Drew had his ear surgery this morning and all went well.  I’ve already bragged many times about the fact that Drew woke up from his anesthetic-coma and immediately said, “where my mama at?” but I just can’t help it.  The nurses pulled him away from me so quickly as to try to lessen the emotion as I wanted to stand there in the hallway in front of the “Medical Staff only hallway” and hold Drew forever. I thought that he would surely be angry at me for letting these masked freaks drag him away from me to unfamiliar sights and sounds.  He cried out to me and reached for me but I didn’t go after him and save him.  I was relieved that he was so quick to ask for me when he woke up.  Ah, unconditional love.

Of course, as he was carried away crying and I’m standing there crying, I’m thinking, “If it is this hard to let my baby go for such a routine procedure, what is it going to be like if he has leg surgery that is complex, risky and perhaps unsuccessful?”

Outside of work hours, our search for orthopaedic surgery is on my mind non-stop.  I find myself thinking about it and wondering what the right answer is.  Standing and walking is a grand dream to have for your child, but Drew is happy, strong, and capable of doing anything he wants to do.  If it were the right thing to do, would it be so hard to actually do it?  If it were the right thing to do, would so many doctors, and not your general practitioners, but doctors who have fancy medical degrees and work at specialized hospitals with tons of kids with unique and complex issues, think that Drew is best off the way he is?

I admit, it is appalling to think that doctors think that not walking and standing is acceptable and just-your-run-of-the-mill compromise, but you also have to admit: these are highly qualified and knowledge experts.  I’m Drew’s “Mama” so of course my dreams and aspirations for him are going to be extreme, but I’m not as unbiased and informed as these doctors we’ve seen.

One doctor even theorized that Drew’s rotation in his legs are due to a sort of “evolutionary need” that Drew developed to compensate for his arms.  That, Drew managed to stretch and twist and practice and hone his skills to get his legs to work like they do so he can hold a cup, open a top, manipulate other objects, etc.  Should we mess with that?  Maybe Drew’s strength has only broken the surface.  Maybe we are the only ones concerned with his legs.

I spoke with an employee of the Old National Bank today about getting financial assistance for the travel to Florida through a charity fund and she inquired as to why we went to Boston last year and then Florida this year.  I found myself feeling like, as I typed out a very long-winded synopsis of the last year’s search for surgery, I was over-justifying our decision as if I myself were trying to convince myself that this was the right call.  Maybe its mother’s instinct, maybe it’s normal anxiety over having to make this big of a decision.

Sigh…I’m so very proud of Drew and I want to do best for him.  I see him try so hard and he accomplishes many goals (I mean, he can swim for Pete’s sake!)  I just want to give him every opportunity in the world.  I don’t want to deny him even the slightest chance of some advantage.  I just wish the answers were clearer.  I guess they never are in life.  However, I do believe in fate so I just believe that somehow, somewhere, sometime, we will be in the right place at the right time and what will be, will be.  Until then, I grow gray hairs.