You know, a thought occurred to me earlier as I was dropping Drew off at his babysitter’s that deeply saddened me. During Drew’s surgeries and post-op care, he will be losing his independence, albeit a short time. But, with his adorable booty scoot gone and what I can only imagine as a large awkward device drilled into his leg, he’s not going to be able to get around easily, or really at all. If I thought that I was exhausted from having to lug him around before, I’m really going to be eating my words come May.
Which makes my search for a place to live even more difficult. Not only do I must have a ground level living arrangement with a porch that is no higher than 20 inches (so Drew can take his wheelchair inside) but now I have to look for an open floor plan so he can get from room to room at his own free will.
I kind of wish that there wasn’t so much time between our initial consult with Dr. Paley and the actual surgery. It definitely has its benefits: time to prepare (raise money, make living arrangements, organize plans, etc.) But I can’t ignore the disadvantages: time to prepare! I’m a Virgo which makes me a natural worrier. Did you know that West Palm Beach is the 14th most dangerous city in the US? It is, I discovered this little known fact while searching for living arrangements. During this same search, I’m pretty sure I found a gang of black market criminals luring unsuspecting females into a sex ring operation with a beautiful estate home for an unbelievably good price. What if Drew is miserable and makes me miserable? What if I can’t handle working and dealing with all of this? What if something goes wrong with the surgery? What if Drew resents me for putting him through all of this? I’m highly subject to anxiety. This isn’t going to be good for my soul. I do my best to remain positive, but deep inside, there is a pessimist screaming to get out (but the whole world is against her).
Give me some time and I’m sure I’ll turn myself around. I’m just having a panicky moment right now. I’m losing my focus which should be at the end of this year when he’s walking. I still can’t believe that it has been this hard. We’ve been seeing orthopedic specialists since he was very, very young and we relentlessly searched with confidence and gusto. Now, we’ve arrived at our goal of finding surgical solutions for Drew that will result in him walking and I’ve lost my confidence; I’m filled with anxiety and confusion. We have a little over three months until we relocate to Florida which is even more time to dwell. Time to dwell is not a good thing for natural worriers. Sigh…that is all.